Breaking News: Tim Walz is thinking about moving to China: “Maybe no one here respects me anymore”.

In a stunning twist that’s sending shockwaves through both political circles and fortune cookie manufacturers, Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz has reportedly announced he’s considering a move to China. Yes, you read that right. In the midst of the 2024 election cycle, the governor of the land of 10,000 lakes is apparently dreaming of life in the land of 1.4 billion people. Why? Well, according to Walz himself, it’s because “that’s where I belong.”

While the idea of an American politician swapping hotdish for hotpot may seem ludicrous, sources close to Walz say the governor is dead serious. Frustrated by the relentless political attacks, family feuds, and an overwhelming sense that he’s just not “getting the respect he deserves” here in the States, Walz has started looking east—very far east. In a move that some are calling “political suicide” and others are calling “a cry for help,” Walz is reportedly weighing the pros and cons of packing up his bags, learning Mandarin, and embracing life in the People’s Republic of China.

So, how did we get here? How did Tim Walz go from a relatively uncontroversial Midwestern governor to a man seriously considering moving to China? The story begins, like so many tales of political turmoil, with a series of unfortunate events.

First, there was the family drama. When distant relatives of Walz were spotted wearing “Walz’s for Trump” T-shirts at a local rally, it sent ripples through his campaign, and those ripples quickly turned into a tsunami of embarrassment. “When your own family doesn’t back you, where do you even go from there?” an aide reportedly overheard Walz saying, his voice cracking under the weight of public humiliation.

Then, of course, there’s the ongoing saga of Walz’s military service record, which has been called into question by critics who claim he retired from the National Guard just before his unit was deployed to Iraq. The phrase “stolen valor” has followed him around like an uninvited guest at every campaign stop, with no sign of letting up anytime soon.

And if that wasn’t enough, Walz’s recent public spat with NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal—in which Shaq famously threw Walz out of his restaurant, Big Chicken, while calling him a “disappointment”—has pushed the governor into a state of existential crisis. “When Shaq doesn’t respect you, what’s left?” Walz reportedly muttered while scrolling through expat blogs on his phone.

While most politicians might retreat to a quiet cabin in the woods or, at worst, relocate to Canada after a public meltdown, Tim Walz has his sights set on something grander. China, it seems, is his escape plan of choice.

“China just makes sense for me,” Walz said in a recent, baffling interview with local Minnesota media. “It’s a country where leadership is respected, where people don’t spend all day on Twitter bashing you for things you didn’t do. And honestly, I think I’d fit in well. I’ve always admired their infrastructure projects. They build cities overnight. I can’t even get a highway project done in under three years.”

The governor’s admiration for China doesn’t stop at infrastructure. He’s reportedly enamored with the idea of a government that can get things done without pesky elections getting in the way. “I’ve been thinking a lot about their system,” Walz continued, seemingly oblivious to the fact that praising China’s authoritarian tendencies might not go over well with American voters. “In China, the government has control. People listen. There’s none of this constant back-and-forth you see here in America. You say you’re going to build a bridge, and boom, the bridge is built.”