Alright, you’re not gonna believe this—unless you’ve been doomscrolling Twitter or your uncle already texted you about it in all caps—but here’s the tea: Mel Gibson, Mark Wahlberg, and Elon Musk just teamed up like it’s the final boss battle of culture wars. And they’re not making another “Fast & Furious” spinoff or a remake of The Passion of the Christ 3: Back on the Cross. Nope.
They’re building a full-blown “non-woke” film studio, backed with somewhere between $1 billion and $3 billion, depending on how many Teslas Elon sold last week.
And guess what? The goal? Traditional family values. Patriotism. Faith-based movies. Basically the cinematic equivalent of your grandpa’s Facebook feed.
The Holy Trinity of “I’m So Over This Hollywood Crap”
Let’s break it down. You’ve got:
Mel Gibson, aka the guy who once ruled the box office, then yelled himself into exile, and somehow boomeranged back.
Mark Wahlberg, who wakes up at 3 a.m. to pray, punch a bag, eat chicken, and flex for Jesus.
Elon Musk, who was like, “Twitter? Boring. Mars? Meh. Let’s buy a movie studio that doesn’t show dudes in dresses.”
Put those three in a room with a billion-dollar checkbook and absolutely zero chill, and boom—you’ve got what they’re calling the “non-woke content revolution.” Somewhere, Ben Shapiro just fainted from excitement.
Wait… Is This Real or an Onion Article?
Nah, it’s real. According to reports (and the collective gasps of every Hollywood agent), the trio’s goal is to “bring back films that honor traditional family structures, American values, and moral clarity.”
Translation: No more blue-haired baristas playing lesbian witches who hack capitalism in space.
They want stories about dads, sacrifice, Bible verses, and probably someone named “Chad” who fixes trucks and respects his meemaw.
Honestly? If this had been pitched in 1993, it’d be the most vanilla studio in town. But now? In this Hollywood? It’s a culture war nuke wrapped in red, white, and blue ribbon.
Musk: “Go Woke, Go Broke, So We Said Nope”
Elon’s been screaming into the void for years about “woke mind virus” and how Hollywood forgot how to tell a good story without checking 46 diversity boxes first. And now, instead of just whining about it online, he did what billionaires do best:
He opened his wallet and tried to buy the solution.
Because when you’re Elon, you don’t ask for change—you build a $3 billion middle finger with Dolby Surround.
Word on the street is, he’s already calling it “SpacePix.” (Okay, maybe I made that up. But it fits, right?)
So What Kind of Movies Are We Getting?
Let’s play bingo, shall we?
A Vietnam vet comes home to fix his farm and his faith.
A small-town dad coaches the little league team and saves the town from corrupt coastal elites.
A kid learns about Jesus and quantum physics from his wise old grandpa who used to work for NASA.
Christmas movies where nobody gets divorced, nobody’s gay, and the dog definitely talks.
Oh, and Mel’s already rumored to be directing a “biblical sci-fi epic” starring Mark Wahlberg as a time-traveling apostle. Musk might even cameo as “Space God.”
You think I’m joking. You wish I was joking.
Hollywood’s Reaction: Screaming in Chardonnay
Let’s be real—Tinseltown hates this. The same people who cheered when “Barbie” wore pants and gave 12 TED Talks are now clutching their ethically sourced pearls.
They’re calling it regressive, dangerous, even “a step backward for storytelling.”
But here’s the gag: a lot of regular people are curious. Not everyone wants to be lectured by a CGI nonbinary robot fish about post-capitalist trauma in every movie. Some folks just want to watch a movie where a dad says grace, teaches his son to throw a football, and nobody’s cancelled before the credits roll.
Twitter Is MELTING
You already know Twitter is on fire. Some gems:
“Elon, Mark & Mel launching the FaithVengers Initiative and Hollywood is crying lmaooo” “If they don’t call it ‘Studio MAGA,’ I’m out.”
“Finally, a movie where the villain isn’t a white suburban dad who owns a lawnmower.”
Meanwhile, AOC probably just subtweeted, “Cinema should challenge, not conform to conservative fairytales.”
And Elon? Probably liked it. Twice. On burner accounts.
Is This the Future of Film? Or Just Expensive Fanfiction?
Here’s the thing—this could flop harder than a Netflix stand-up special. Or? It could tap into an actual hungry audience who feels like Hollywood hasn’t spoken to them since the Bush era.
Will it be good art? Eh, that’s subjective. But will it make money? If they play it right? Absolutely. Faith-based films and patriotic dramas have been sneaking big profits for years under the radar.
Musk brings cash and chaos. Mel brings controversy and Oscars. Mark brings abs and… also abs. There’s an audience. And they’ve got bank.
Final Thoughts: Is This Brave, Bonkers, or Both?
Listen. I don’t care where you land on the political or cultural compass—this move is ballsy. It’s Elon being Elon, Mel being Mel, and Mark doing whatever Mark does in between protein shakes and rosaries.
It’s like they looked at the state of movies and said, “Screw it. Let’s make our own Hollywood. But make it holy.”
Will it save cinema? No idea.
Will it cause chaos? Absolutely.
Will it give us at least one unintentionally hilarious cowboy-Jesus-space-patriot movie? 100%.
So grab your popcorn, your Bible, and your Twitter login. This is gonna be wild.
Coming soon: Studio name predictions
“Gritflix”
“Godspeed Pictures”
“The Muskian Motion Picture Crusade”
“Mark & Mel & Mayhem”
“Bible & Bullets Studios”
Whatever it’s called, one thing’s for sure: Hollywood just got a new villain… and he brought two action stars and $3 billion with him.
