There is something about Henry Cavill in Netflix’s The Witcher that just works, despite the wig and contacts. I think that Cavill works best in an environment where men wear either nothing or lace. Also, there’s something about leather and possibly having his British accent that’s crisper than the dollar bills being sent into the Biden campaign. As I watched The Witcher, I became nostalgic for the period drama looks of old that gave us prime Henry Cavill.

Stardust:

It’s a very minor role, but in the feature film Stardust, our Superman plays Humphrey, another gentleman fighting for the attention of Victoria against Tristan (Charlie Cox). He’s basically playing a bully and sporting blond hair, which will hopefully be the last time, because silver=yes, blond=run for the hills. This was the first time we collectively realized that Henry Cavill could, indeed, pull off a mustache.

Besides being an asshole in blue, he is best known, in this movie, for winking at Robert DeNiro in a very bisexual way during the final scene. I have provided the footage above. You are welcome.

The Count of Monte Cristo:

This is a very weak adaptation of the Alexandre Dumas novel, but at the same time, a very enjoyable movie. One of the most enjoyable parts is that they do a bit of wish fulfillment writing by making Edmond Dantès (Jim Caviezel) and Mercédès (Dagmara Domińczyk) have a kid. In the book, Albert is the child of Mercédès and the trifling shitbag Fernand Mondego (Guy Pearce), but they changed the daddy to Edmond, played by Henry Cavill, sporting a sweet baby face, looking like Laurie from Little Women.

Immortals:

One of the worst movies I have ever suffered in my life, Immortals should have been fire, but instead, it felt like a 300 ripoff. The film is supposed to be an adaptation of Theseus and the Minotaur and Titanomachy, but it bears little to no resemblance to either. I remember there is one scene where Athena asks Zeus, “Are we at war?” and I couldn’t help but go, “You’re the goddess of war. Should you know that?!” It was a mess.

Henry Cavill plays “Theseus” (allegedly), a man chosen by “the gods” to defeat the King Hyperion, who wants to kill the gods for letting his family die from famine. (Have you even met the Greek gods?) It’s very boring, but the cast is very handsome. We’ve got Henry Cavill, who looks slightly bronzed and is shirtless in almost every scene, Joseph Morgan as Lysander, Luke Evans as Zeus, Freida Pinto as Phaedra, and Kellan Lutz as Poseidon. It’s very 2011.

The Tudors:

Ahh, the masterpiece. For four seasons, Henry Cavill played Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk, in a performance that once could call … orgasmic. Basically, he spends the entire first season sleeping with all the wrong women, and just exuding casual f*ckboy energy at every single moment. It’s amazing. It takes effort to be so effortless, terrible, and handsome at once, but man oh man, did Henry Cavill do it.

I truly thought he was one of the most gorgeous men on Earth during this series. I have no doubt this show is the reason he was Stephenie Meyer’s first pick for Edward Cullen. It certainly didn’t help that, even as the show needed him to play a 60-year-old-man it was basically just Henry Cavill with a grey beard. Somehow … it was even more attractive? Bless The Tudors for providing so many thirst traps.

And now we have The Witcher, serving Henry Cavill with a combination of his greatest hit: warrior, light hair, complicated paternity issues, perpetually dirty, and emotionally distant. Tossing a coin to my Witcher …