The Minnesota Vikings Have Denounced Tim Walz: “We Don’t Support His Values.”

This just in from Minnesota, patriots. According to our sources, which may or may not be credible, the Minnesota Vikings have denounced Tim Walz and asked him to stop using the team’s name and pretending they support him.

“There’s no way my team supports him,” said a guy named Pete who we ran into at bingo night at the Villages, “I lived in Minnesota for 82 years before I retired 11 years ago and I know what’s for dinner tomorrow is probably chicken croquettes. I like them better than fish sticks. Are the Vikings playing today?”

We haven’t been able to contact the team, so we really only have Pete’s word on this, but it seems like it might be enough to satisfy those who only need to hope and pray for it to be true for it to be shareable.

“Has anyone ever actually made it to the fourth paragraph?”, asked a concerned citizen, wondering if this would be the story that pushes independents over the line, “and if they don’t because they were caught in the web of a shiny ad and nobody is around, does it make a noise?”

These are all very important questions, patriots, if we’re to make it to the 200 words necessary for Facebook to consider it worth disseminating. God Bless America.